How to make great life choices

Or, how to be really really dysfunctional in 18 easy steps:

  1. It’s Friday night. Your plane lands at Gatwick after a five-hour delay and you arrive home at 10.20pm. Go out anyway.
  2. Get in at 3.30am having got up at 4.30am for a flight that morning and therefore having been up for 23 hours
  3. Get up unnaturally early the following day to have brunch with friends
  4. Though it’s lunchtime, eat avocado and egg on toast instead of a square meal
  5. Gulp down two lattes and get a headache in consequence
  6. Spend the afternoon window shopping through your pounding head and growing hunger pains instead of remedying the above
  7. Spend £2.10 on a pot of tea instead of actual food at your 5pm tea break because, in the five seconds you reasonably have to decide on your order while the waitress stands over you, you think it will save you money
  8. Get home and gulp down some water and Doritos instead of making dinner because you’ve got the whole evening to think about that
  9. When a friend calls to invite you out, decide to do that instead
  10. Instead of eating dinner, take 3 Reese’s peanut butter cups with you for the road
  11. Get an Uber halfway even though you know you can’t afford it
  12. Get another Uber home at 3am even though you know you can’t afford it
  13. Sleep in till midday even though you needed the whole day for life admin
  14. Call your mum in a panic mid-afternoon even though you know she’s abroad, because you can no longer cope with life admin on your own
  15. She’s in a restaurant; demand her attention anyway
  16. Allow the conversation to descend into loud crying
  17. Feel short of breath after hanging up and then realise that, at 4.30pm, all you’ve managed to poke down that day is 2 cups of tea
  18. Continue to bury your head in the sand by writing on blog instead of completing life admin.

Should I have titled this ‘How to have a great weekend’, ‘How to be an exemplary London Young Professional’, or just ‘HELP!!!’? Let this litany of poor decision-making be a lesson to us all: just ignore FOMO and travel delay rage and, for goodness’ sake, spend the weekend hibernating in a darkened room with all electronic methods of communication switched to flight mode or off. #noYOLO

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